I was going around India to understand what women thought about ‘Women’s National Identity across Borders, where ‘nation’ and ‘borders’ are as perceived by women’. I was able to start the research study by August 2001 and completed it by 2004. The ratio, of time for going round all of India and writing about it, is coming to a 50–50 one, with writing time exceeding the former!
This was February 2003. I was travelling from Gorakhpur to Lucknow. While I slept time flew and my destination came soon enough. I was expecting Sheena, my niece-in-law to come to the station as I had informed her, planning my trip such that I reached on her birthday — 12th February. She was married in that city. Her children came after going to the other station of Luckhnow. I have relished my relationships with my nieces and nephews and was bowed down with humility, when Sheena introduced me to her children and her nephews, as the world “bestest” mami, more so as I had long since left her Mama (her mother’s brother). For me it is normal to continue relationship with the family I was married into even though I had left the man. I have been given the impression, at times, even by my own mother in wonder, that the extended family keeps relation without the man; and I wondered in turn, is a man that important?
I got absorbed in the chatter of the next generation, but for me the graceful woman driving the car was the centre of my attraction, who had accepted me without question, when she was nine and I was fifteen, laying her claim on ‘her’ mami! She kept enamoring me the next four days whenever I could spend time with her. As her husband was out of town she managed the jewelry shop they had made in recent years. Her brother-in-law (husband’s brother) had done the course in gemology but she had learnt about the business from experience. People had faith in her suggestions as she patiently backed it up with solid knowledge, explaining the intricacies of the precious metals, stones and designs.
I remembered the shared pains and pleasures, our late night meetings, when they came to spend time with their grandparents. The house was big and the warmth of my mother-in-law staying with us even after she died. We did not seem distanced by time as we shared long letters, at times with movie stories, no emails then! Sheena grew into a plump woman from a plump baby. The family pestered her for this, her younger sister’s pained confession that she was told not to come in front of the boys who came to see this more than pretty woman, with barely nine months in between. Sheena grew into a graceful woman managing her family, house, children and business with her inert sense of self-confidence.
Next morning she gave the responsibility of the house and kids to her mother-in-law who just arrived from Mumbai and took me to her shop. She said that her mother-in-law was happy taking over the responsibility, she was also happy with the arrangement. Her M-I-L had got some of the recent stuff from Mumbai. Sheena checked, sorted and put into cases. She told me about the different jewels, stones and working about each item. Diamonds have a price tag attached to it, the sparkle in confident woman’s eyes are priceless.
And my treacherous mind was simultaneously thinking about the people who were mining these, the earth being deformed due to that, and the people, who were working in the production for hours together in unhealthy conditions being paid a pittance, for people who had the purchasing power to buy these precious items. If this work is closed, if people gave up the greed to find gold and diamonds, the most sought for among the precious stuff, then what will men with money please their women with or how will they show off their wealth! And should the craft die leaving again a whole lot of skilled persons becoming jobless, alcoholics and beating their women to take out the frustration and women getting into prostitutions to survive. I am sure there is an alternative and sometimes so simple that no one can think about it with the complexities created in this system to keep it going.
A friend of her husband from Delhi picked up a ring without paying for it, a few women sat for an hour trying out things and did not buy anything, and another elderly Sikh man came to buy a diamond ring for his wife for their anniversary. Her M-I-L sent us food packed with love and care. Sheena somehow managed to make time to eat it in between her work.
Sheena and I had our customary chat through the night and I was amazed that she got up to do the daily work but I needed to sleep and remembered when as kids they came I could just get up and work. My father-in-law got angry with me for spending nights with them but we had no option as I would be looking after the running of the house through the day. Earlier I would make the kids eat first but slowly they refused to eat without me so I had to feed the adults first, then we would eat and they would all pitch in clearing things, make tea and we would talk during all hours, whenever possible. One by one they asked me the reason for my marriage not working, Sheena was the first and would not accept that I did not suffer and wondered why I had no complaints!
Sheena, recently got her daughter married in March 2020, just before the lockdown which closed down everything. I had planned well in advance to be there. I was the only person from her maternal grand parents’ side. I stuck all the time with Didi throughout the various marriage functions. I was mesmerized by the Sheena’s organizational acumen.
Vishnu Sheena’s husband had passed away sometime; the vagueness is due to the fact that he continued to be alive as far as Sheena is concerned. They became good friends and Sheena has kept that relationship going. She complains to him that he has left her to deal with real life situations as if he has gone abroad and unable to come. I respect her aptitude to be able to do this. Soon after Vishnu’s physical passing away she arranged for their son’s marriage as Vishnu had fixed the date of marriage. I was not able to attend that wedding. I had to attend their daughter’s, an amazing replica of Sheena in Vishnu’s image.
Nature bestows abundantly when we are ready to receive the blessings. Sheena is one of the best examples of the saying. A loving grandmother she just posted a beautiful crochet lace she has made recently. Life goes on provided we move with it….
It is Valentine’s Day today, a good day to share about Sheena, with our collective love spilling over the words.
