Mamin is my Bhaimama’s (my mother’s youngest brother) wife. She is much more to all her nieces and nephews in-law. I went to her wedding with my two sons from Delhi to Calcutta. I do not remember how I traveled with the two young boys. They had a lot of fun. They were 5 and 4 years. There were two buildings opposite to each other. They would keep running from one to another. One morning when they got up Punu said to Tunu, There is a tent put up on the other Calcutta (doosre kalkatte par tent lag gaya)! The two buildings were two Calcuttas in their innocent perceptions. I introduced them to Mamin saying that along with becoming a wife she will be grandmother to them. Mamin was from Gorakhpur so knew Hindi. It was a big plus point for us in her favour. I spent her first night in her home with her. There is this tradition in some Bengalis (I wonder if all Bengalis have it) that the first night for bride and bridegroom is not to be spent together. It is called ‘kaal ratri’, representing ‘night for death’. I could be wrong in my understanding. We chatted late in to the night and became friends for life. I cannot remember where my young independent boys were sleeping. Mamin is a friend to not just me.
Recently Mamin shared a video where the man tells his wife, you gave teddy bear on teddy bear day, chocolate for chocolate day, rose for rose day but no woman on women’s day! That opened my selective memories’ locks.
I had read one Pearl S Buck soon after I married. I was barely 16 then. I cannot remember the name of the book but a few parts of it are still clear in my head. If someone remembers and can make the connections I am hoping it will get shared. The book starts with a forty year woman getting ready for her marriage anniversary. She has got a flower girl for her husband so she is free to pursue knowledge. This did not surprise me even then so eventually when Ashok shifted to another woman I started the pursuit of knowledge which seems never ending. Baa(mother in Gujarati, as I called her that) my old friend, said once, Good you left him, otherwise how you would do all you are doing’. I acknowledge with humility that it is very much possible to acquire knowledge while staying with a man. South Asian social constructions tie a woman’s life around a man. In case the man moves away, the world around her expects her to break down, so this sharing of my ‘abnormal’ normal perspective. Even Amma, my biological mother thought we sisters are abnormal as we were not jealous of each other. So if I am not jealous of my sisters why would I expect myself to be jealous of a woman who marries the man I had married! Eventually when I met this co-sister of mine after my father-in-law’s death, I told her categorically that we were meeting because we have the same set of extremely loving in-laws and I had nothing to do with the man who was her husband. She, just like many in my world, found it extremely difficult to accept this ‘normal’ perception of mine but slowly with help from Punu, my older son, she came to terms with this. Amma once said that she loves Ashok and if it was ok with me. I assured her it was absolutely fine. He has a different space in her life and just because we are no longer husband and wife she need not displace that love.
Coming back to my memories of the Pearl S Buck book, the forty year woman was obviously from a rich background with access of money to spend and decision making ability to spend it. She was sure of what she wanted from life. Thus she could afford to buy a ‘flower girl’ to free herself from the needs of her husband to pursue her goals of achieving knowledge.
Another incident from the book that remains etched in my illusive memory is a set of interactions that this woman had with a dear friend from a lower income strata. Once when her friend came to her in a disturbed state, this woman said something to her friend. The exact words I do not remember but the gist is that let us have tea. ‘A cup of tea can sort any storm, as no storm is bigger than a cup of tea’. I just love this. I have shared this relative comparison, of a tea cup and a storm, to many who have been going through turbulent times. The possibility of a tornado being dissolved in a small tea cup is fascinating. My love for tea has reminiscence in my infanthood! My Monikaka (my father’s younger brother who passed away when he was 21 and I was not yet four) used to love tea. He would ask my Amma for tea from the bathroom after confirming that my grandmother was not around! This interaction had intrigue, love and faith intertwined.
Her friend’s issue was that she had got pregnant the sixth or seventh time. It was hard enough to feed so many mouths on top of that she was not well enough to have babies anymore because of lack of nutrition due to scarcity. Her husband did not understand. She could not afford to get help for delivery. This woman not just assured help to her but she saw to it that the husband learns to respect his wife’s body. She went to her friend for her delivery as she knew the art of delivering a child. She made the husband stand in the delivery room to see the whole process. She could then extract a promise from him that he will not let his wife go through this ever again. My comprehension of created gendered perspective must have been strengthened by her efforts. Initiation of it was from life; comprehension, a never ending process, still happens from life and books.
