My dear Dhwani,
I am not able to come for your marriage so making a blog of your legacy. You are the first female doctor in your family. I am sharing about the first male doctor in Asani family, your maternal grandmother’s father.
Daddy, my father-in-law, your great grandfather, was a doctor. He had travelled from his village in Sindh to Bombay to study medicine in Grant Medical College. He was in second year when his father told him that his marriage has been fixed with a daughter of ‘Mukhi’ (village senior equivalent to present day Sarpanch/President) from Sakkar. He was not being asked just told. He was a vegetarian as his father was a vegetarian, rest of the family including his mother were non-vegetarian. When he was joining medical college his father told him to start having non-vegetarian food.
He wanted to join army but being a Sindhi, supposedly not a marshal race, was not allowed. When World War II broke doctors were very much needed and he became Captain T. M. Asani from Dr. Teerthdas Moolchand Asani. He was from Rohiri and Mummy, my mother-in-law, your great grandmother was from Sakkhar, two cities in Sindh, on opposite banks of Indus river. Sindh, in a translation of the national anthem, going around on WhatsApp, is referred as the river instead of the great state, now in Pakistan. Sindhis did not get a Sindh in India even though some did get land in lieu of the place they left behind. Your great grand parents bought two plots in Sindhi Resettlement Colony, Adipur, Kutch, Gujarat, as people from Rohiri were residing there and made house. I have pleasant memories of the house I thought as home. Both Mummy and Daddy showered their love on me. They welcomed me with open arms even though initially Mummy had inhibitions as I was not a Sindhi! Her greatness I have shared in an earlier blog.
https://bula1957.medium.com/i-too-am-an-indian-woman-do-you-know-me-1abd61b6a6b8
Punu Tunu were both born before she left this earth but she continues to live in multiple hearts.
I am trying to bring Daddy alive in words here. I got to know him through Mummy first. She showed me the postcard which they got which informed he was alive and had been taken prisoner of war. She would go barefoot to various temples in utter madness for not knowing where he was. Till before my marriage he would live in places where he was posted as a Government doctor in interiors of Gujarat which he had opted for while Mummy lived with her two daughters and son seeing to their education and marriage. She would read his letters to me when she came to stay in Bombay. He carried his army punctuality in life. He left for dispensary in Gandhidham, after having breakfast, did not take tea or coffee, came back dot on time for lunch. Evening again he went and came back for dinner at 8.00 p.m.
I remember my first interaction with him when I got pregnant the second time. Mummy, Daddy and I were playing cards. He asked my age and then asked if I would be able to take care of another child at 17? When I replied that I would be able to if there is no option. Doctor like, he explained, that abortion was not good for woman’s health. After the delivery I could take precautions. All this communication happened while we played rummy. Thanks to his advice I had two children within a span of one and half years and suggest people the same for the convenience of children growing up together other than the more prevalent distancing pregnancies which keep women out of production system for a longer period. Had pregnancies been affecting women’s health negatively then nature would have made other arrangements. Healthy women can have children in consecutive years without any side effects. Poverty and lack of nutrition and other constraints of patriarchal system create hurdles, not the natural phenomena!
Even after Mummy passed away in 1974 Adipur remained my home till Daddy passed away in 1991 and the house was sold. In fact since Mummy would take care of all relationships he did not know even to relate with his own children so told them to come when I would come to Adipur. I would visit Adipur in all vacations.
Sharing a few incidences with Daddy to express how he was during the period 1974 to 1990.
In one of my visits to Adipur, Karima, the woman who worked was on leave. It was a big house. I let Punu Tunu, then probably 7 and 6 years, do cleaning while I washed dishes and clothes. Daddy would be home on Sundays so I am presuming it must be Sunday as he was home. At night he acknowledged, ‘Chanda, I was going to check you that you let the children work; then I saw they were having fun. I stopped myself. The house is big and you were doing other work.’
Another time Tunu the younger was telling him some jokes and he heard and hugged Tunu. Later that night he shared, ‘Chanda, I was partial to Punu always and loved him only but realise that I have to love Tunu just as much.’ It was usual practice we sat outside in the courtyard at nights with neighbours visiting on a daily basis.
While we stayed with him Punu Tunu had many friends to play in the courtyard of Adipur house. Daddy noticing that they would visit friends on their birthdays said that we should celebrate Punu and Tunu’s birthdays. I conceded only one time. He was happy. The children in Adipur were all scared of him and would run away the moment he came. They did not know that he too was scared of a few things like Punu climbing the trees. I could not tell Punu to be scared, so used to tell him to get down before he returns as Dada is scared and Punu considerately obliged.
I would prepare breakfast other than the days we had toasted bread and homemade butter. He liberally put layer of butter for us as thick as the toast. I would invariably increase my weight when I stayed in Adipur. He would always be concerned about Punu Tunu’s weight as they would never seem to put on weight. Once I told him to look up his medical chart and that assured him about their weight.
One elderly concerned neighbour complained to him that I did not wear ornaments, specifically on my ears, which is considered auspicious for Sindhi married women. He hesitantly raised the issue. As I would always cover my head in front of him I confidently asked if he ever got to see my ears. He burst out laughing and the matter dropped forever. I explained later that I would wear ornaments only for Mummy and stopped wearing after she passed away.
From 1974 when Mummy passed away to 1980 the kids and me kept going to Adipur for odd intervals. We moved to Delhi from Bombay in 1976 but Adipur remained our alternate home. In 80 when I was once again going to Delhi after a seven month stay, Daddy hesitantly told me that if my marriage with his son was not working then I consider moving to Adipur with the children. I took his offer in 1981 and moved with Punu and Tunu to Adipur and stayed there till 1986, starting my formal studies of BA through distance education in 1984 with his blessings. Not once during my stay with him and my visits thereafter did he ever suggest that I could be responsible for matters not working in my marriage.
I do not have words to express the dilemma of a person, struggling with conscience and love for his son. I would pray that he gets relief from the pain. Thankfully he passed away with a second heart attack and did not suffer. Even in death he left financial security for me and the kids who barely completed school then.
There are various dynamics and grey areas in a human life, so little can be shared in the limitations of a blog.
I am sharing a bit of my optimism through this. You are a warm person, I like Shantanu too. May you both have a life full of adventure, make happiness and spread it around. Please introduce me to Shantanu any which way you feel comfortable. Being your mother’s Mami, I became your Mami too! I have got ample love from Asani family. I am sure you will get that kind of love wherever you go.
I have recently joined regular university for the first time at 64, this is my Fourth Semester and therefore not able to come physically. I am happy that Punu and Rima will be there along with my huge Asani and extended family to make your marriage special.
Love you lots
Mami
